Man....I can't believe it has been a month since I posted. Sorry but I have been busy. I guess that is no excuse since the whole point of this blog was for me to use it as a way to vent and organize my life to make it LESS busy. Oh well, tonight I actually have some free time so let's go.
First off, I am a world traveler now. Yep, Kelly and I went to London and had the best time. We visited our friends Nancy and Anne but made friends with their entire program. Most of the people we saw in London were Madisonites...well atleast Wisconsinites. Our 12-person hostel room had 3 girls Kelly went to high-school with staying there. I can not believe it...we travel across an ocean and we still are surrounded by people we know. (well that weren't expected.) I do love England's peanut butter and rice cakes...way better then the united states. But their pub food....GROSS. I got sick both times I attemtped the food and then when I did get creative and order something I have never heard of for a third time I HATED it and wasted 9 pounds (which is 18 usa dollars) on a meal. From then on I stuck to turkey sandwhiches and carrots---they have never done me wrong and never will.
So this trip across the pond I felt would be going to another continent. Well I was a little surprised to find out the night we left that we were kinda getting cheated because England is an island. It isn't even connected to Europe. Kelly's family got a kick out of this and her mom actually got a huge atlas map and showed me my geographic ignorance. Even though this traveling will have an asterck next to it it was still the BEST TRIP EVER.
Again, I have been going home and having great times. I am so glad I am finally get along with my parents again after about a year of constant fighting. I am even giving my dad's girlfriend a chance. It's too much effort to fight so why not get along? She makes really good puppy chow so it's not all bad. She just decorates her house weird.
There has been lots of work and school work as well. The second round of midterms passed along with most of my semester papers. I actually stayed up until after midnight last night finishing a paper while the girls went out. I didn't mind since it got me out of drinking for a night but I did miss socializing with everyone while I was at home alone.
Yesterday was also the last day of spring football practices I have to work. I love watching the players and seeing the background of the game but 5:30am practices really sucked. Also, they were every tuesday so when I went to class after for the last month I was wearing the same outfit. Those people in my classes that day must think I only have ONE outfit...which bothers me. Now, finally with the weather turning around nicely, I will finally be able to take advantage of my new cute spring clothes for class. I can't wait to wear my anchor shorts...nautical stuff is very in right now.
I am waiting to hear back from my Los Internship application. I really, really, really want it. Not just to meet Magic Johnson, but because it sounds so exciting. Plus, I think getting away for a summer from everything, a new location I have never been to, will do me wonders. I often feel like an outsider or isolated in Madison and Green Bay and this trip I feel (if I get the position) will truley force me to decide who I am as a person and hopefully help me when I go back to Wisconsin to finish up school. I just can't believe I am going to be a college senior next year....where did the time go? Soon I have to actually be an adult and get a real job...wow. Does that mean I have to pay for my insurance then? How much does that stuff cost? Well...I still have a year to get the info down.
My friends are coming over tonight and we are going to chill and drink in the apartment instead of going to a bar again. I am excited because we can hang with others besides people able to get into bars which is rare nowadays. I don't think I am going to drink but it will fun being with everyone. We plan to draw geckos and use headbands to create crowns like the kind lemur in the movie 'Madagascar' (who is also borat) I have to go get ready for tonight so I am going to peace out. Glad to be back in action posting. If you all get bored I have London pictures on my facebook profile (just click on the link to the right)
Later dudes,
Lex
Friday, April 20, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
busy busy busy
wow...it's been a while. sorry I was in two major hell weeks. I have had 4 exams and 4 papers due in the last two weeks and I went home on the weekends. It was great to be home. I really had fun, ate alot of puppy chow, and got new clothes for spring...and today it's snowing.
Only 16 days more until London. I can't wait. Kelly and I went out last night to celebrate our busy weeks being over and we had a great time. The bars sucked since everyone was home watching basketball but the two of us chatted, went home and played drinking games with the movie 'Old School' until two friends stopped by. One is named Brendo and I have had an on-off crush on him for a few months. Since August really...but he goes to a different school...and so different then my usual type....but there is something about him. And last night I saw him for the first time in months...drunk in sweats and a t-shirt while pigging out on cheeze-its. What an impression I must have made.
Today my dad turns 55! I called him at midnight, we always do that. He doesn't deal with his age gracefully. He would love to be 16 forever and playing basketball, staying up late, and collecting baseball cards. I keep reminding him now he can get a discount on his breakfast and use the senior-citizen parking spaces. He just ignores me. He is going to Mexico with his girlfriend tomorrow. I complained that I don't ever get taken anywhere but Flordia and he referenced London....that quickly shut me up. Can't wait for spring break...can't wait. Me, Kelly, Nancy, and Anne....having the best time ever!
I am also looking forward to the basketball this weekend. You know spring has come when the NCAA tourneys are happening. Everyone is shocked Duke lost, I'm not. They didn't play well this year. At all.
And not only is tomorrow St. Patty's Day but my friend band, We the Living, are releasing their new album. Everyone should pick in up online or at record stores. www.myspace.com/wetheliving if you want to check them out. I have been friends with them since forever, they are the best guys ever, and well...it just makes me so proud to see them succeed.
Adios for now, have to catch up on some reading before I watch the badgers kick some butt on Texas A&M...next post won't take so long...I hope...
Later dudes,
Lex
Only 16 days more until London. I can't wait. Kelly and I went out last night to celebrate our busy weeks being over and we had a great time. The bars sucked since everyone was home watching basketball but the two of us chatted, went home and played drinking games with the movie 'Old School' until two friends stopped by. One is named Brendo and I have had an on-off crush on him for a few months. Since August really...but he goes to a different school...and so different then my usual type....but there is something about him. And last night I saw him for the first time in months...drunk in sweats and a t-shirt while pigging out on cheeze-its. What an impression I must have made.
Today my dad turns 55! I called him at midnight, we always do that. He doesn't deal with his age gracefully. He would love to be 16 forever and playing basketball, staying up late, and collecting baseball cards. I keep reminding him now he can get a discount on his breakfast and use the senior-citizen parking spaces. He just ignores me. He is going to Mexico with his girlfriend tomorrow. I complained that I don't ever get taken anywhere but Flordia and he referenced London....that quickly shut me up. Can't wait for spring break...can't wait. Me, Kelly, Nancy, and Anne....having the best time ever!
I am also looking forward to the basketball this weekend. You know spring has come when the NCAA tourneys are happening. Everyone is shocked Duke lost, I'm not. They didn't play well this year. At all.
And not only is tomorrow St. Patty's Day but my friend band, We the Living, are releasing their new album. Everyone should pick in up online or at record stores. www.myspace.com/wetheliving if you want to check them out. I have been friends with them since forever, they are the best guys ever, and well...it just makes me so proud to see them succeed.
Adios for now, have to catch up on some reading before I watch the badgers kick some butt on Texas A&M...next post won't take so long...I hope...
Later dudes,
Lex
Sunday, February 25, 2007
a sunday morning
Wow...the snow. We have had so much snow the past two days....blizzard warnings and all. Last night the weather channel was saying that if we went outside we would be risking our lives. Still I saw many Madison kids getting out for a fun saturday night of drinking and partying. Alot of us grew up in Wisconsin...this whole snow thing is nothing new. Me and some friends actually had a snowball fight for a while...I got hit alot and tackled three times. Not fair. I don't do well with cold very long so I went in early but the others stayed. Those crazy kids. And talk about crazy...it was also thundering and lightning out. That was somthing I am not used to---snow falling, wind blowing, and a thunderstorm.
The weather has brought some good news though. Last night and this afternoon my work was canceled so I have gotten quality time to do the homework I desperately needed. Friday I worked 10.5 hours so atleast my next paycheck won't be zero. I have a presentation tomorrow and a exam on tuesday so I am kind of stressing---tomorrow will be worse. One class of mine is canceled all week though so that is a happy thought.
I am going home on thursday instead of to the waterpark condo my family rented. After last weekend I just want the comfort of home...but who knows if that will come. I am going to be staying at my dad's house for the first time since he moved in with his girlfriend. I was adament that I wouldn't stay there ever earlier in the year...but I am going to give it a chance. I need to go home and just get away. I am going to replace a thursday night of vodka and partying with a thursday night of chinese buffet and retail therepy that my dad always provides. Our local mall has gotten a bunch of new stores and I can't wait to start adding to my spring break wardrobe. My mom won't be home to hang out with since she is in Florida with her boyfriend...but me and my dad are always good and doing some damage to our bank accounts when new season of clothing is being released.
The badgers play ohio state today and they better win. Our team is doing so good that they deserve this win. It determines alot of seeding and big ten tournament issues and a win will definatly be to the badgers advantage. I am going to brave the elements and head to a friends to watch the game---dangerous I know but much better then watching alone.
Got to head out...my roommate has something wrong with her eye and needs my help. I love feeling needed. Back to reality.
Later Dudes,
Lex
The weather has brought some good news though. Last night and this afternoon my work was canceled so I have gotten quality time to do the homework I desperately needed. Friday I worked 10.5 hours so atleast my next paycheck won't be zero. I have a presentation tomorrow and a exam on tuesday so I am kind of stressing---tomorrow will be worse. One class of mine is canceled all week though so that is a happy thought.
I am going home on thursday instead of to the waterpark condo my family rented. After last weekend I just want the comfort of home...but who knows if that will come. I am going to be staying at my dad's house for the first time since he moved in with his girlfriend. I was adament that I wouldn't stay there ever earlier in the year...but I am going to give it a chance. I need to go home and just get away. I am going to replace a thursday night of vodka and partying with a thursday night of chinese buffet and retail therepy that my dad always provides. Our local mall has gotten a bunch of new stores and I can't wait to start adding to my spring break wardrobe. My mom won't be home to hang out with since she is in Florida with her boyfriend...but me and my dad are always good and doing some damage to our bank accounts when new season of clothing is being released.
The badgers play ohio state today and they better win. Our team is doing so good that they deserve this win. It determines alot of seeding and big ten tournament issues and a win will definatly be to the badgers advantage. I am going to brave the elements and head to a friends to watch the game---dangerous I know but much better then watching alone.
Got to head out...my roommate has something wrong with her eye and needs my help. I love feeling needed. Back to reality.
Later Dudes,
Lex
a sunday morning
Wow...the snow. We have had so much snow the past two days....blizzard warnings and all. Last night the weather channel was saying that if we went outside we would be risking our lives. Still I saw many Madison kids getting out for a fun saturday night of drinking and partying. Alot of us grew up in Wisconsin...this whole snow thing is nothing new. Me and some friends actually had a snowball fight for a while...I got hit alot and tackled three times. Not fair. I don't do well with cold very long so I went in early but the others stayed. Those crazy kids. And talk about crazy...it was also thundering and lightning out. That was somthing I am not used to---snow falling, wind blowing, and a thunderstorm.
The weather has brought some good news though. Last night and this afternoon my work was canceled so I have gotten quality time to do the homework I desperately needed. Friday I worked 10.5 hours so atleast my next paycheck won't be zero. I have a presentation tomorrow and a exam on tuesday so I am kind of stressing---tomorrow will be worse. One class of mine is canceled all week though so that is a happy thought.
I am going home on thursday instead of to the waterpark condo my family rented. After last weekend I just want the comfort of home...but who knows if that will come. I am going to be staying at my dad's house for the first time since he moved in with his girlfriend. I was adament that I wouldn't stay there ever earlier in the year...but I am going to give it a chance. I need to go home and just get away. I am going to replace a thursday night of vodka and partying with a thursday night of chinese buffet and retail therepy that my dad always provides. Our local mall has gotten a bunch of new stores and I can't wait to start adding to my spring break wardrobe. My mom won't be home to hang out with since she is in Florida with her boyfriend...but me and my dad are always good and doing some damage to our bank accounts when new season of clothing is being released.
The badgers play ohio state today and they better win. Our team is doing so good that they deserve this win. It determines alot of seeding and big ten tournament issues and a win will definatly be to the badgers advantage. I am going to brave the elements and head to a friends to watch the game---dangerous I know but much better then watching alone.
Got to head out...my roommate has something wrong with her eye and needs my help. I love feeling needed. Back to reality.
Later Dudes,
Lex
The weather has brought some good news though. Last night and this afternoon my work was canceled so I have gotten quality time to do the homework I desperately needed. Friday I worked 10.5 hours so atleast my next paycheck won't be zero. I have a presentation tomorrow and a exam on tuesday so I am kind of stressing---tomorrow will be worse. One class of mine is canceled all week though so that is a happy thought.
I am going home on thursday instead of to the waterpark condo my family rented. After last weekend I just want the comfort of home...but who knows if that will come. I am going to be staying at my dad's house for the first time since he moved in with his girlfriend. I was adament that I wouldn't stay there ever earlier in the year...but I am going to give it a chance. I need to go home and just get away. I am going to replace a thursday night of vodka and partying with a thursday night of chinese buffet and retail therepy that my dad always provides. Our local mall has gotten a bunch of new stores and I can't wait to start adding to my spring break wardrobe. My mom won't be home to hang out with since she is in Florida with her boyfriend...but me and my dad are always good and doing some damage to our bank accounts when new season of clothing is being released.
The badgers play ohio state today and they better win. Our team is doing so good that they deserve this win. It determines alot of seeding and big ten tournament issues and a win will definatly be to the badgers advantage. I am going to brave the elements and head to a friends to watch the game---dangerous I know but much better then watching alone.
Got to head out...my roommate has something wrong with her eye and needs my help. I love feeling needed. Back to reality.
Later Dudes,
Lex
Friday, February 23, 2007
a friday afternoon
well it's a friday afternoon of a unknown thursday night. we had a girls night last night since we were all needing to hang out. first kelly and i went to a friend's to watch the last OC ever....semi-sad event but horrible ending...and then we met meghan at home to go out. I had too much at wando's and don't remember part of the night. i hate myself for that.
the scariest thing is not remembering. I just can't stop beating myself up about it all day today. I went to work fine and feel fine physically...but mentally i am so mad at myself. I have do idea why i drank that much. I just don't know...i wasn't sad, happy, or trying to rid myself of problems. i just had too much to drink. And that is not me. Lately when I drink I am either not drunk at all or very drunk. Extremes. I think its because I don't really like drinking. It's not that great, you feel stupid after, and do stupid things (like falling and eating alot of peanut butter) when you are drunk. I would rather hang out and watch a movie or just chat with people. But then if I don't drink I let people down. I let the college stereotype down.
All my friends love going out. They love drinking. And I still want to spend time with them. I want to hang out and I feel like I let them down if I don't drink with them. But if I don't go out with them then I am isolating myself from my friends and I don't want that either. I just really don't like drinking. Weird I know...but it's true. I also hate that right now alot of my stories, alot of all of our stories, start or end with 'I was so drunk' or 'you were so drunk'. I guess I am just ranting because I had a bad night, but i really don't like drinking. I think, well am going to attempt, to stop for a while. In the terms of my dad...it's just not who i am.
I talked with my mom and dad alot today. Told them how i was mad at myself. They thought what i did was dumb but told me to get over it. We make mistakes and then we move on to the next day. I just keep thinking of the stuff i did, the things people saw, that I don't remember. I can't get over that but maybe tomorrow i will.
I miss my parents so much. I miss home so much. All first semester I called Madison my home and barely talked with my parents. We fought alot then. Now we are close and all I want to do is be home. All the time. I feel I have more control of my life at home. School, work, and friends are so stressful sometimes that I feel like I am juggling so many things and they could all drop at any minute. I am a bad juggler to start out with and now there are so many things to be juggled.
Hopefullly spring break will be soon. I can't wait. Kelly and I are going to London to visit Nancy and Anne. We are going to have the best time. I just can't wait. I have never been overseas and with Kelly it will be so much fun. WE are going to have a BLAST. Plus I miss Nancy and Anne so much. Nancy is my restbit and finally I will see her again. It is going to be so great...even if it is not in the sun. Right now my body is not swim suit shape anyway so its okay.
On Tuesday I mailed my internship apllication. LA here I come hopefully. That would be so great if I got it. It would be the start to the rest of my life. It would be what I need. Actually right now I need my mom or my dad. And my mom is going to Florida tomorrow with her boyfriend. My dad is only a phone call away. And he is coming to get me next thursday. I am so in need of family right now.
I love my friends. I love them alot. Kelly, Erin, Nancy, Kevin, and Meghan I don't know what I would do without them. I really don't. But right now I don't know what's going on. I feel so 'not in control' and hate it. I just want to go back to normal--back home. That is why I need my family. I can't wait until thursday.
Wow...very venting and ambigous blog for today. Sorry had some stuff I had to get off my chest. But I am glad I did it cause I feel a little better. At least someone knows how I feel now.
Later dudes,
Lex
the scariest thing is not remembering. I just can't stop beating myself up about it all day today. I went to work fine and feel fine physically...but mentally i am so mad at myself. I have do idea why i drank that much. I just don't know...i wasn't sad, happy, or trying to rid myself of problems. i just had too much to drink. And that is not me. Lately when I drink I am either not drunk at all or very drunk. Extremes. I think its because I don't really like drinking. It's not that great, you feel stupid after, and do stupid things (like falling and eating alot of peanut butter) when you are drunk. I would rather hang out and watch a movie or just chat with people. But then if I don't drink I let people down. I let the college stereotype down.
All my friends love going out. They love drinking. And I still want to spend time with them. I want to hang out and I feel like I let them down if I don't drink with them. But if I don't go out with them then I am isolating myself from my friends and I don't want that either. I just really don't like drinking. Weird I know...but it's true. I also hate that right now alot of my stories, alot of all of our stories, start or end with 'I was so drunk' or 'you were so drunk'. I guess I am just ranting because I had a bad night, but i really don't like drinking. I think, well am going to attempt, to stop for a while. In the terms of my dad...it's just not who i am.
I talked with my mom and dad alot today. Told them how i was mad at myself. They thought what i did was dumb but told me to get over it. We make mistakes and then we move on to the next day. I just keep thinking of the stuff i did, the things people saw, that I don't remember. I can't get over that but maybe tomorrow i will.
I miss my parents so much. I miss home so much. All first semester I called Madison my home and barely talked with my parents. We fought alot then. Now we are close and all I want to do is be home. All the time. I feel I have more control of my life at home. School, work, and friends are so stressful sometimes that I feel like I am juggling so many things and they could all drop at any minute. I am a bad juggler to start out with and now there are so many things to be juggled.
Hopefullly spring break will be soon. I can't wait. Kelly and I are going to London to visit Nancy and Anne. We are going to have the best time. I just can't wait. I have never been overseas and with Kelly it will be so much fun. WE are going to have a BLAST. Plus I miss Nancy and Anne so much. Nancy is my restbit and finally I will see her again. It is going to be so great...even if it is not in the sun. Right now my body is not swim suit shape anyway so its okay.
On Tuesday I mailed my internship apllication. LA here I come hopefully. That would be so great if I got it. It would be the start to the rest of my life. It would be what I need. Actually right now I need my mom or my dad. And my mom is going to Florida tomorrow with her boyfriend. My dad is only a phone call away. And he is coming to get me next thursday. I am so in need of family right now.
I love my friends. I love them alot. Kelly, Erin, Nancy, Kevin, and Meghan I don't know what I would do without them. I really don't. But right now I don't know what's going on. I feel so 'not in control' and hate it. I just want to go back to normal--back home. That is why I need my family. I can't wait until thursday.
Wow...very venting and ambigous blog for today. Sorry had some stuff I had to get off my chest. But I am glad I did it cause I feel a little better. At least someone knows how I feel now.
Later dudes,
Lex
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
a wednesday night
Hey there....happy valentine's day.
Yes, it has been better then last year...I know everyone was wondering. I had a really cute outfit today and gave away candy and valentine's to my friends. It's funny though because I bought a box of 32 superman valentine's from wal-mart and expected that I would give them all away because I always did in grade school. Writing them up last night I still have about half left...and that is counting sending my dad, sister, and mom ones in the mail. I guess college just brings less friends...but better ones?
I am still getting over my loss of a psuedo-family member. I am doing better today then yesterday...and each day will get better. I am thinking about him and the dinner table less then before. In any other context that sentence would be really weird but for right now I know what I am saying.
Today I actually got my homework done early, worked, and watched the badger basketball game. I am finally feeling caught up with school for the first time this semester and work is going well too. I am learning to prioritize my time well...or maybe because it's so cold out I have no motivation to go anywhere and procrastinate so homework/work indoors is the only options until temps rise above freezing.
I just gave one of my best friends his valentine's day present and he loved it. I feel special because both friends that recieved gifts loved them and my dad, sister, and mom liked what I sent them. Right now things are good.
I am going to let you go since well...I want to go do something fun. I guess motivation hasn't escaped me even if it is negative degrees.
Peace Out, Lex
Yes, it has been better then last year...I know everyone was wondering. I had a really cute outfit today and gave away candy and valentine's to my friends. It's funny though because I bought a box of 32 superman valentine's from wal-mart and expected that I would give them all away because I always did in grade school. Writing them up last night I still have about half left...and that is counting sending my dad, sister, and mom ones in the mail. I guess college just brings less friends...but better ones?
I am still getting over my loss of a psuedo-family member. I am doing better today then yesterday...and each day will get better. I am thinking about him and the dinner table less then before. In any other context that sentence would be really weird but for right now I know what I am saying.
Today I actually got my homework done early, worked, and watched the badger basketball game. I am finally feeling caught up with school for the first time this semester and work is going well too. I am learning to prioritize my time well...or maybe because it's so cold out I have no motivation to go anywhere and procrastinate so homework/work indoors is the only options until temps rise above freezing.
I just gave one of my best friends his valentine's day present and he loved it. I feel special because both friends that recieved gifts loved them and my dad, sister, and mom liked what I sent them. Right now things are good.
I am going to let you go since well...I want to go do something fun. I guess motivation hasn't escaped me even if it is negative degrees.
Peace Out, Lex
Monday, February 12, 2007
a monday night
So it's late Monday night and what a Monday it has been. Today my life took a shift and made me experience something that I never really had to before. And no it had nothing to do with having 6 classes in a row (which...even though popular belief thinks is alot it's really no more then high-school)
So I was in passing between my 11:50 end and 12:05 start to another class when my mother decides to call me. Usually I don't answer but this time I decided to let her interrupt my quick lunch of a turkey-pickle-spinach wrap. She had some news for me. It seemed my ex-step-brother had died. Yes, a boy that I had grew up with but never really gotten along with had passed away. I hung up shocked. I hadn't seen him in probably three years but still considered him my step-brother. We never got along, he was really mean to my mother in his teen years, and a drag on society by being a high-school dropout but he was still family; and he was family that was dead. Alot of my childhood memories involve him and it is so werid to think that this twenty-five year old man was gone just like that.
At the moment I am not sure what to feel. I know I feel a loss. I know I feel sad. But they are conflicting because of the experiences I had with him later in life. I know the good and bad of him; we constantly butted heads about our personality differences. He especially did not get along with my mother and I feel now that if I am sad then I am not showing allegence to my mom. Yet, she keeps calling me and telling me how hard it is for her to deal with because it was like loosing family for her as well no matter if they had a hard time getting along. No one has put any of these 'betraying my mother' thoughts in my head besides myself. Everyone on my side of the family is taking it as a shock and loss since they saw the boy grow up. It is just so hard to deal with loss. It is even harder to deal with then loosing my grandfather junior year of high-school because I knew it was sad to see him go. It was from cancer so I was prepared for the upcoming loss. With this I was not even sure how I felt about my step-brother in the first place--and now his death is making me think about all our interactions.
All I keep imagining is the dinner table. There were six people in our family and everyone had assigned seats. He always sat one to the left and across the table from me. No matter who was present for meals or whatever was done at the table we always sat in our spots. 1, 2, 3 or all 6 of us could be eating, playing cards, or doing homework and we would still revert back to our specific spots. I just keep picturing me in my spot and him in his spot eating dinner like we did for almost ten years. And I have no idea why I keep focusing on that...how weird.
Other then that I have been pretty good this past weekend. After my friday night of pig-out and early sleep I worked all day saturday and napped when I didn't. We went out to the bars that night and unexpectedly I had a great time. I have been so anti-social lately that I thought it was going to be boring when it really wasn't. Some drama happened that night but it hasn't been mentioned since. Kinda like a pink elephant in the room.
So now the rest of the week is on hand and that entails a Valentine's day with no plans. But as told to you earlier--no plans is still better then last year. Maybe, just maybe, a surprise will happen but I am not holding my breath. Oh man...I should not joke about loosing breath when a family member (or ex-family member?) just died. You all know what I mean though.
Hope all is going well and I just want to give a shout-out to my friend alissa...she turned twenty today. Welcome to the real world girl...you are no longer a teen.
Later dudes...Lex
So I was in passing between my 11:50 end and 12:05 start to another class when my mother decides to call me. Usually I don't answer but this time I decided to let her interrupt my quick lunch of a turkey-pickle-spinach wrap. She had some news for me. It seemed my ex-step-brother had died. Yes, a boy that I had grew up with but never really gotten along with had passed away. I hung up shocked. I hadn't seen him in probably three years but still considered him my step-brother. We never got along, he was really mean to my mother in his teen years, and a drag on society by being a high-school dropout but he was still family; and he was family that was dead. Alot of my childhood memories involve him and it is so werid to think that this twenty-five year old man was gone just like that.
At the moment I am not sure what to feel. I know I feel a loss. I know I feel sad. But they are conflicting because of the experiences I had with him later in life. I know the good and bad of him; we constantly butted heads about our personality differences. He especially did not get along with my mother and I feel now that if I am sad then I am not showing allegence to my mom. Yet, she keeps calling me and telling me how hard it is for her to deal with because it was like loosing family for her as well no matter if they had a hard time getting along. No one has put any of these 'betraying my mother' thoughts in my head besides myself. Everyone on my side of the family is taking it as a shock and loss since they saw the boy grow up. It is just so hard to deal with loss. It is even harder to deal with then loosing my grandfather junior year of high-school because I knew it was sad to see him go. It was from cancer so I was prepared for the upcoming loss. With this I was not even sure how I felt about my step-brother in the first place--and now his death is making me think about all our interactions.
All I keep imagining is the dinner table. There were six people in our family and everyone had assigned seats. He always sat one to the left and across the table from me. No matter who was present for meals or whatever was done at the table we always sat in our spots. 1, 2, 3 or all 6 of us could be eating, playing cards, or doing homework and we would still revert back to our specific spots. I just keep picturing me in my spot and him in his spot eating dinner like we did for almost ten years. And I have no idea why I keep focusing on that...how weird.
Other then that I have been pretty good this past weekend. After my friday night of pig-out and early sleep I worked all day saturday and napped when I didn't. We went out to the bars that night and unexpectedly I had a great time. I have been so anti-social lately that I thought it was going to be boring when it really wasn't. Some drama happened that night but it hasn't been mentioned since. Kinda like a pink elephant in the room.
So now the rest of the week is on hand and that entails a Valentine's day with no plans. But as told to you earlier--no plans is still better then last year. Maybe, just maybe, a surprise will happen but I am not holding my breath. Oh man...I should not joke about loosing breath when a family member (or ex-family member?) just died. You all know what I mean though.
Hope all is going well and I just want to give a shout-out to my friend alissa...she turned twenty today. Welcome to the real world girl...you are no longer a teen.
Later dudes...Lex
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