a friday afternoon

well it's a friday afternoon of a unknown thursday night. we had a girls night last night since we were all needing to hang out. first kelly and i went to a friend's to watch the last OC ever....semi-sad event but horrible ending...and then we met meghan at home to go out. I had too much at wando's and don't remember part of the night. i hate myself for that.

the scariest thing is not remembering. I just can't stop beating myself up about it all day today. I went to work fine and feel fine physically...but mentally i am so mad at myself. I have do idea why i drank that much. I just don't know...i wasn't sad, happy, or trying to rid myself of problems. i just had too much to drink. And that is not me. Lately when I drink I am either not drunk at all or very drunk. Extremes. I think its because I don't really like drinking. It's not that great, you feel stupid after, and do stupid things (like falling and eating alot of peanut butter) when you are drunk. I would rather hang out and watch a movie or just chat with people. But then if I don't drink I let people down. I let the college stereotype down.

All my friends love going out. They love drinking. And I still want to spend time with them. I want to hang out and I feel like I let them down if I don't drink with them. But if I don't go out with them then I am isolating myself from my friends and I don't want that either. I just really don't like drinking. Weird I know...but it's true. I also hate that right now alot of my stories, alot of all of our stories, start or end with 'I was so drunk' or 'you were so drunk'. I guess I am just ranting because I had a bad night, but i really don't like drinking. I think, well am going to attempt, to stop for a while. In the terms of my dad...it's just not who i am.

I talked with my mom and dad alot today. Told them how i was mad at myself. They thought what i did was dumb but told me to get over it. We make mistakes and then we move on to the next day. I just keep thinking of the stuff i did, the things people saw, that I don't remember. I can't get over that but maybe tomorrow i will.
I miss my parents so much. I miss home so much. All first semester I called Madison my home and barely talked with my parents. We fought alot then. Now we are close and all I want to do is be home. All the time. I feel I have more control of my life at home. School, work, and friends are so stressful sometimes that I feel like I am juggling so many things and they could all drop at any minute. I am a bad juggler to start out with and now there are so many things to be juggled.

Hopefullly spring break will be soon. I can't wait. Kelly and I are going to London to visit Nancy and Anne. We are going to have the best time. I just can't wait. I have never been overseas and with Kelly it will be so much fun. WE are going to have a BLAST. Plus I miss Nancy and Anne so much. Nancy is my restbit and finally I will see her again. It is going to be so great...even if it is not in the sun. Right now my body is not swim suit shape anyway so its okay.

On Tuesday I mailed my internship apllication. LA here I come hopefully. That would be so great if I got it. It would be the start to the rest of my life. It would be what I need. Actually right now I need my mom or my dad. And my mom is going to Florida tomorrow with her boyfriend. My dad is only a phone call away. And he is coming to get me next thursday. I am so in need of family right now.

I love my friends. I love them alot. Kelly, Erin, Nancy, Kevin, and Meghan I don't know what I would do without them. I really don't. But right now I don't know what's going on. I feel so 'not in control' and hate it. I just want to go back to normal--back home. That is why I need my family. I can't wait until thursday.

Wow...very venting and ambigous blog for today. Sorry had some stuff I had to get off my chest. But I am glad I did it cause I feel a little better. At least someone knows how I feel now.

Later dudes,
Lex