Monday, February 12, 2007

a monday night

So it's late Monday night and what a Monday it has been. Today my life took a shift and made me experience something that I never really had to before. And no it had nothing to do with having 6 classes in a row (which...even though popular belief thinks is alot it's really no more then high-school)

So I was in passing between my 11:50 end and 12:05 start to another class when my mother decides to call me. Usually I don't answer but this time I decided to let her interrupt my quick lunch of a turkey-pickle-spinach wrap. She had some news for me. It seemed my ex-step-brother had died. Yes, a boy that I had grew up with but never really gotten along with had passed away. I hung up shocked. I hadn't seen him in probably three years but still considered him my step-brother. We never got along, he was really mean to my mother in his teen years, and a drag on society by being a high-school dropout but he was still family; and he was family that was dead. Alot of my childhood memories involve him and it is so werid to think that this twenty-five year old man was gone just like that.

At the moment I am not sure what to feel. I know I feel a loss. I know I feel sad. But they are conflicting because of the experiences I had with him later in life. I know the good and bad of him; we constantly butted heads about our personality differences. He especially did not get along with my mother and I feel now that if I am sad then I am not showing allegence to my mom. Yet, she keeps calling me and telling me how hard it is for her to deal with because it was like loosing family for her as well no matter if they had a hard time getting along. No one has put any of these 'betraying my mother' thoughts in my head besides myself. Everyone on my side of the family is taking it as a shock and loss since they saw the boy grow up. It is just so hard to deal with loss. It is even harder to deal with then loosing my grandfather junior year of high-school because I knew it was sad to see him go. It was from cancer so I was prepared for the upcoming loss. With this I was not even sure how I felt about my step-brother in the first place--and now his death is making me think about all our interactions.

All I keep imagining is the dinner table. There were six people in our family and everyone had assigned seats. He always sat one to the left and across the table from me. No matter who was present for meals or whatever was done at the table we always sat in our spots. 1, 2, 3 or all 6 of us could be eating, playing cards, or doing homework and we would still revert back to our specific spots. I just keep picturing me in my spot and him in his spot eating dinner like we did for almost ten years. And I have no idea why I keep focusing on weird.

Other then that I have been pretty good this past weekend. After my friday night of pig-out and early sleep I worked all day saturday and napped when I didn't. We went out to the bars that night and unexpectedly I had a great time. I have been so anti-social lately that I thought it was going to be boring when it really wasn't. Some drama happened that night but it hasn't been mentioned since. Kinda like a pink elephant in the room.

So now the rest of the week is on hand and that entails a Valentine's day with no plans. But as told to you earlier--no plans is still better then last year. Maybe, just maybe, a surprise will happen but I am not holding my breath. Oh man...I should not joke about loosing breath when a family member (or ex-family member?) just died. You all know what I mean though.

Hope all is going well and I just want to give a shout-out to my friend alissa...she turned twenty today. Welcome to the real world are no longer a teen.
Later dudes...Lex

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